Brief bolts strucking the forest

Brief bolts strucking the forest

The other girl survived the pact and I’m enraged. For a moment I wish her life to be taken, too.
I hate those parents counting the minutes behind the glass walls of the Intensive Care Unit.
I want them to mourn and grieve, I want their lives shattered like mine. I want the mechanical ventilator to stop. I want her breath to stop. Her heart to stop. Her life to stop.
As I watch the news coverage in the mute Tv set in the corner of the waiting room, I feel the guilt, the remorseful playback and a muddy river of useless questions crawling in my brain like worms in a tin can.
It was not my fault. I gave her everything she wanted, I gave her whatever she asked for. I worked sixteen hours a day for her to receive the most exquisite education.
I can’t let myself close the eyes. If I do, even for a moment, I see the policemen cutting the rope, taking her down from the tree just like Jesus was taken down from the cross on Virgin Mary’s lap. Not as sweetly, of course. Not as glamurously.
I could not shut my eyes then either. I was in total wonderment of the whole scene, as in a CSI episode. I could see the flash of cameras like brief bolts strucking across the forest, breaking the dawn’s dim ligh. I could see the paramedics rushing through the CPR, I could hear one of them saying “She’s back, let’s go”. I could feel my knees on the cold ground and the sudden rage pulling my body up and then that scream like a vomit through the cords of the throat, my own scream in that same forest we set our camping tents just before the divorce mixed with the feeling of my daughter’s body last seconds struggle to live.
It cannot be true she snorted neat lines of coke in the bathroom during playtime on a regular basis. It cannot be possible she snorted her pocket money away in powder for years. They tell me she has got a hole in her nose like long time junkies. They tell me that she logged a hundred times in an Internet suicide chatroom. It cannot be true. She was the best little girl in the world.
She must have been bullied extensively or something.

Deja un comentario

Disculpa, debes iniciar sesión para escribir un comentario.

Farewell, Miss Ventriloquist

Farewell, Miss Ventriloquist

I’m pretty sure that the eyes are erogenous organs and erogenous zones. They touch, they taste, they talk, they sing, they smell love and danger, they reach the untouchable, they give a name to all things left behind and disowned, they build cathedrals of meaning and they are the supreme artists of inquiry.
I love so much and so dearly the foreign worlds you bring to mine, naked from noise and clutter so I can touch them through this window of phobic convalescence, and let them in and touch me in spite of ancient terrors and disturbing memories, in spite of my reluctance to let myself be touched and embraced. I so much appreciate the simplicity of your glance, free from any intention to sell anything, and I have been privileged to be the fugitive voice of all those strangers, and most of all, to play your voice for a while, as if I were you doing the click, or even better, as if we were doing it together as a team.

My whole vision of the world has changed along sixteen weeks of walking your eyes, instead of your shoes. And it has changed forever.

Thank you for this bewildering joyride.
From the bottom of my heart.

Paz Puente Greene

From the bottom of my heart.

Heart is a weapon the size of a fist

Heart is a weapon the size of a fist

I have a real soft spot for some strangers that look straight into my eyes and cry for help without a word, without a tear, without stopping to say ‘hey, you, I’m completely lost and screwed up, let’s share a beer, come on, I’ll pay the drinks… Don’t know where to start, let’s say I’ve been fired from my job, some days I want to kill my wife and cut my children to pieces, but I’m a good guy, so I will probably shoot my head off with my brother’s gun.’
Neither of us stop, I go home as if someone had hit me with desperate eyes in the middle of the stomach and food tastes bitter and I somewhat pray for my work to be like one of those cardiopulmonary reanimation devices of emergency rooms and ambulances. One capable of shocking almost dead lives into hope or into wonder or into awareness or indignation or into sweetness, or into love, or into innocence or into each other. Again.

On the photographer's identity

On the photographer's identity

I start with nothing and I try to make something of it. That’s all.
Sometimes I get too serious and transcendent about my work, but to say the truth (or at least something truer), taking photographs is the only way I’ve found to take my way-to-perfect-and- way-too-rigid-to- be- real inner child out to play.
He doesn’t care a shit about framing or lighting. He sees Mickey Mouse where the Aesthete sees walls to paint. He goes for love and wonder hunt and I should follow him more often in his shy, yet powerful desire to begin now, again, all over, from pure scratch.

Public is the new private

Public is the new private

Trying to dig deeper, under and beyond the obvious meaning and to make the girl the center of the photo, I suddenly understood Barthe’s concept around significance.
“What is significance? It is meaning, insofar as it is sensually produced”.
There’s something violent in this photo, a punctum, a word pulling images out of our minds and before our eyes. An image that is not the girl, but in the girl, and takes us out of the gallery, out of the exhibition and into bed.

Trompe-l'oeil

Trompe-l'oeil

Paz would have loved this girl. Her true inner joy jumping from the eyes like a bouncy puppy with a frisky tail. A kind hearted woman in a tight black dress like liquid licorice candy.
She had the appearance of a trompe-l’oeil, emerging from the dirty walls, coming out from nowhere through an inexistent door. And if in that very moment Paz had been there and the dj played Cherry Coloured Funk, I’m pretty sure she would have asked the girl to dance.
Sometimes I wonder why she is unable to leave her fortress and come to visit us and join me in these safaris, instead of sharing our lives only through photos and mails. Why she thinks they are truer than life itself, and if that statement of hers is really a compliment or just an excuse to remain detached and disconnected.

A case of intimacy

A case of intimacy

The convenience and facility of digital photography has totally changed the photographer’s sense of commitment, and plagued the media of mere noise and marginalia profusely documented.
The trivia of everything is sucking the essence of life itself, in its most ineffable, ungraspable parts: those that can trigger the relevant questions and move us towards personal and creative expansion.
What made the fields, the rose and the fox special was not their nature of field, rose, and fox but the blossoming love of the Little Prince. It was (it is) a case of intimacy. Lawrence Durrell, in his Alexandria Quartet wrote that one can love a city only because a loved one lives in it. This is so true, and can be extrapolated to every place and moment in the world.
That’s how art acquires transcendence.

If you close your eyes, and look at this photograph, you’ll hear one of David Sylvian’s songs sweetly and sadly eroding my heart, soothing my mind from trouble, doubt and trouble and you’ll be able to touch the skin of the dawn or the sunset.
I will print it for you realize that all this too much, too fast, too many, too soon you are seeking for comfort is preventing you from noticing how close you are to the source of all wonder in its most pure form and simplicity.
My purpose is to make it tangible for you.
You’ll never imagine how committed I am to drag this beauty, all the beauty of the world to your door. Now.
It is baffling, overwhelming, almost impalpable, transient. And it’s yours to embrace. It’s my offering, my votive contribution, my alms fee, the ashes of time at the borders of what makes us one rather than us alone, or you, or me.

Evidence of the dearly departed

Evidence of the dearly departed

I saw several bodies missing from their shoes that night.
It was funny to notice how willing they were to go barefoot, or naked or disappear.
And how disturbing the symbols of their sadness were left behind, like Hansel and Gretel’s crumbs or as a proof that they once existed.
Every shoe reflected the personality of the departed.
People say that dogs and owners share their facial features.
I say that shoes are even more accurate regarding human character.

Angstlust

Angstlust

They pretend they’re having a great time, and they are, actually, in a perplexing contradictory manner: getting a big deal of pleasure from angst itself.
They seem to be aloof even from each other, although deeply focused on the efficient setting of the script, their part in the play, the image-based definition of whatever they believe about who they are and where they are going (motionless, maybe, stuck in time, and stuck in purpose).
I move around, dwelling in my invisibility, asking myself if unlimited eyes are enough to grasp what’s going on beyond the trivial, the false, the futile, asking myself what is connected to what in the room, struggling to surrender to the surroundings. Struggling despite the spirits I’ve conjured, running away from the ghosts of memory, striping off the layers of significance, imagining what would it be like to add or to remove any of the figures from the scene, just like limp figures in a wax museum, and in that blissful moment I find the elusive feeling of the right place, right moment, shivering through my veins, and I take the photo empty of thought, empty of guessing, not even concerned about if the whole act drop will still be holding your mind a second after your glance departed the frame. And I’m perfectly ok if it isn’t. Perfectly ok with that.